I am taking an unwanted hiatus from my blog, and from most
things fun in my life. On May 4,
I am going to have surgery to have my womanly reproductive
parts removed due to abnormal cells and other problems, which will be tested to
see how far the big “C” has invaded. If all goes well, then I will return soon.
If not…then…I can’t say when I will be in good enough spirits or shape to be
back.
As I fearfully face a total hysterectomy in just a few days, I can’t
help but think that men have it easier just by being men. There are a lot of
things that men don’t worry about, or have to deal with simply because they are
not women.
Here is my (partial) list of things of which I think men have it
easier/less expensive than women do.
1. Boobs
Why Men have it easier: they don’t have boobs like us
women (at least most don’t).
Too big, too small, nipples pointing up, nipples pointing
down. Nipples too big, nipples too dark, We just are not happy with our "girls". Some so much so, that some women have boob jobs to increase or reduce the size of
their boobs.
Mine are always in my way. They cause furrows in my
shoulders, cause gaps in button shirts,
they cause my head’s shadow to look like Mickey Mouse between 11 am and
1pm since the shadow they cast is at ear level. My boobs arrive 5 minutes
before I do at my destination. I hate have having big boobs.
We are self conscious as we begin to “bud” in our early
years. We might go through several sizes until we have become “fully matured”.
Just when things have settled down, so to speak, then come the baby years.
Even for those who remain small breasted, the boob fairy
bestows breasts to the seemingly unfortunate. Women have to endure breast
feeding. Oh the pumping, the leaking, the soreness. What man can relate to
that?
We like it, and we hate it when men notice our breasts. We
have a love hate relationship with them (boobs that is…ok fine, men too at
times) But no matter how unhappy we may have with what has been gifted to us,
we are even unhappier if they are taken away by some horrible disease.
I guess we should just be happy, right?
2. Undergarments
A. Bras
Why Men have it easier: They don’t need to wear any
since they have no boobs, (see above).
Beginning with the prepubescent years, girls just have it
tougher. Our bodies change. Our breasts grow, we need bras. First the “training
bras”. Then we grow out of them and need another size.
It is said that most of us wear a bra that is not the
correct size. I guess there is some sort of art in choosing the correct size to
keep our chest orbs firmly contained.
Even if we know the right size, then there is the decision:
padded or not? Underwire? Demi cup? Balconette? Full coverage? Minimizer? Push
up? Strapless? Racerback?.
Did a man ever think that our “girls” could be molded into
so many different configurations by such flimsy (but expensive) material? I
wonder how many will notice the difference should you wear a push up versus a
demi cup?
B. Panties
Why men have it easier: Choices for men include boxers
and briefs (and rarely thongs).
Women have agonizing choices: Full briefs, bikinis, high cut
legs, thongs, cheekies, boyshorts, hip huggers, no line and seamless….phew…
Heaven forbid we wear the wrong undergarments at the wrong
time. And that is without considering shapers, girdles, slips (half and full),
camisoles, butt padders, stockings…did I leave anything out? No wonder a man
visiting Victoria;s Secret is frightened. A man goes into overload. He simply
cannot handle it.
3. FASHION
Why men have it easier: Pants and a shirt. Jeans and
a T shirt. Throw on a hat for good measure and a rakish look. Men are dressed!
Women have pants, and jeans full length Capri, pedal pushers
and cropped. We wear burmudas, and regular shorts and short shorts,. We have
gym pants in 3 lengths and leggings. We must decide when we should wear a
skirt, or dress in short, mid
length or maxi. Should they be casual, or artsy, or perhaps the peasant or
boho style. Should our formal wear be maxi, tea length or short? How about a hat and gloves?
Let’s not even get into our choices of jewelry. We all know
that agony, right?
Speaking of agony, how about shoes? Flat or heels? If heels,
how high? One inch, or two. Forget the Ho-Strollers…I cannot walk in those 3 inch spikes.
Round toes or pointed? Sling back or closed. Opened toe or not? When can I wear
sandals? How about my Birki’s? What happens if I wear the wrong shoe with the
wrong style of clothing? Will the fashion police arrest me? I think men’s choices of shoes are much
easier. What man has as many shoes as I have in my closet? Yet I still never
have the right shoes for the right dress/occasion.
Yes, men have it easier. Less choices, less confusion, less
chance of mixing up the wrong combinations.
4. Womanly Necessities
A. Makeup
Why men have it easier: They don’t wear any
Blush, bronzer, foundation, highlighter, eye shadow,
mascara, lipstick, lip liner, body glimmer, nail polish and stuff that even I
have no clue as to what they are. If it baffles me, the male mind must deconstruct
when faced with all the stuff women have to paint their faces. Every woman is
an artist by virtue of the artistic materials available to her that men don’t
use.
B. Hygiene
Why Men have it easier: Men brush their teeth…shower,
slap on a bit of deodorant and perhaps he shaves his face. A touch of
aftershave is optional. He is done.
Oh the womanly necessities for hygiene!! Where do I start?
The choices in soaps, fruity or flowery? Tropical or musky? The choices can make the grand buffet look sparse. Should I use aroma therapy in my
shower? Or how about Black Sea salts in my bath?
Shampoo and conditioners are agonizing. Do I need frizz control or shampoo for
fine/limp hair. What if my hair is oily, or is it dry? Will it destroy the hair
coloring if I decide to color it? Do I want my hair to smell like an ocean breeze or a fruity cocktail?
It takes me a half hour to make a choice at the "limited" grocery store supply.
Does the average man care about this?
We may not shave our faces as men do, but we have more real
estate to shave. Legs and armpits need to be mowed with regularity. Should we
shave “down there”? If so, how much? ARRGGHH…
We have ample shaving selections: Razor or electric? How
about the hair eating lotion you hope not to leave on long enough that it eats
away your skin. As if those choices were not enough, there is waxing, and
plucking, and who has tried electrolysis for the final removal of unwanted
hair?
So when a man cries about that little shaving nick on his
neck, I will show him where I nicked my….well never mind. Let’s just say I
don’t feel sorry for him.
We also have necessities that scare the hell out of men. And
the choices are especially troublesome. Tampons or pads? For a trickle or for
something that resembles Niagara Falls? Deodorant or not? Night time or sport?
Regular length or mattress sized? Where is the flow-chart to help women make these
decisions? If a man needed to wade though so many options, I am sure he would
have a flow-chart to help him though the decision making process.
Which brings me to public restrooms. Oh the lines…Men rarely
have lines. But women…ha!! It is a mystery to men why it takes us so long to
take a wizz…frankly, I wonder too why some take so long. I am in and out faster
than most can unbutton their jeans. Must be a throwback to my racehorse years.
No, I didn’t race with the horses…but I had to learn to hurry…a whole other story as they say.
But…even this makes me think men have it easier!
5. Those Doctor Visits
Why Men have it easier: Women start much earlier
having to have that gloved hand reach into our….well…you know where. Men don’t
generally cringe at the snap of the glove until midlife. Also, men have fewer
body parts to be examined.
From our early 20’s, we lay on that exam table, with our
feet in the stirrups, waiting for it to happen. The pelvic exam and PAP smear.
We hope we have practiced good hygiene. We hope we are “daisy fresh” and that
we remembered not to eat a burrito the night before. By the time a man has his
first intimate exam, we have lived through many.
But it doesn’t end with that. At about the same time a man
will have his first intimate encounter with the physician, women face the
monster machine which will take their breasts and squash them and contort them as if they were
Play-dough. I guess women have become too comfortable with the other exam, they
had to throw in something else just to make us feel a bit of sympathy for our
men-folk.
Right.
So as I venture with great trepidation to the OR on Friday,
I will keep thinking how strong I am, just by virtue of possessing womanly parts.
Even though they will be taking them from me.